Picture Source: kevindart
Trying to develop a life, and feeling all of the moments inbetween. Life has taken on a new tone. No longer in fear that each day will be my last, I alternate between loving that after each day there is another and another still, or fearing am I doing too much of this or not enough of that? Worrying that the list which has grown very long, that even as I check them off one by one, that deadlines will come and go. Am I ever good enough? What does it take to get over my own ineptitude? Or rather disability…Fighting with something inside me that no one else can see, taking small steps like a child and I can look back and see the miles that I’ve crossed. And yet somehow I stumble and I fall. Each step forward is met with criticism inside of me, of what I have yet to be done.
Yet looking out across the hillside blue, I can also breath a sense of tension. Because I’m building a life, a new life, a chapter or two. Building what I saw years ago, and it’s here now, waiting to happen. Yet it does not just come, it sits and waits, like a child that reaches out it’s hand to me.
So much progress in music, yet I falter across the board in other things that matter. And so I worked on it, one piece at a time. It has changed and improved. But not enough to be where I need to be. So I went to the doctor. He gave me these pills, to change my sleeping pattern. It got better. It still needs improvement. It is not over. But I’m close, so close, that it seems strange. Almost like a new world that I’ve stepped into. Yet there are more, more things to work on, more things about myself to change. And while I reach out, I am also reaching in, healing from within.
I thought it was over. I had forgiven and moved on. But instead I found anger, so readily to pounce, at anything new. It is hard to have tolerance for those who simply do not understand. To be blamed for being someone I’m not, is a hard pill to swallow, to have to forgive again and again at each new afront. But the point is that they do not know me. Those who do love me, or hate me for what it is that I have that they do not have. Which baffles me. But I have let those go their way by the side. And breathing in each new gasp of air, finally able to fill my lungs completely, and looking out over the green….I see each little thing that I do positively, for I decided yesterday. That if I can not seem to do these things that need to be done, then why worry so much over the expanse of it all. Why not just do one thing at a time. And so I did.
My heart screamed for it wanted more. It wanted out of this self imposed cage I have put it in years ago. And yet as I consider my first steps out the door, self doubt, joy, excitement, and beauty in the stillness, all pervade.
Copyright Kat Lyons